Midlife Confidence Lab

Stop Playing It Safe: Rebuilding Confidence and Choosing a Bigger Life in Midlife - #21

• Kristin Hamilton | Life Coach • Season 1 • Episode 21

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Boldness feels far away until you decide you’re already worthy of it. Kristin opens a clear path from self-censorship to self-trust, showing why worthiness is a decision you claim now - not a trophy you earn later - and how confidence grows from action, not overthinking. We look squarely at the inner critic and reframe it as an overused neural pathway you can quiet, challenge, and replace with truth. From there, momentum becomes practical: three decisions that change your direction, the ladder approach to make big goals believable, and embodiment practices that help your nervous system feel safe in the life you’re building.

We also explore the social side of identity. The people closest to you quietly set your standards, language, and expectations; protecting your energy and curating your circle is not selfish - it’s structural. You’ll learn how to handle pushback when growth disrupts old dynamics, why you don’t need permission to live bigger, and how to choose joy on purpose so the process feels lighter and more sustainable. Discipline and joy can coexist, and ease can be a choice when you focus attention where it amplifies possibility.

Walk away with practical steps: rehearse your future self in everyday spaces, take imperfect action to generate confidence, and use the ladder approach to scale goals without overwhelm. If you’re three decisions from a new direction, which one happens today? Subscribe, share with a friend who’s ready to stop playing small, and leave a review to help more women choose aligned, confident lives.

Episodes for further exploration:

Embodying Your Highest Self: How to Live It Today - #5

7 Life-Changing Things I Learned This Year - #17

🦋 Would you like help walking through these steps, or with accountability, or deeper dives into these topics? Interested in learning more about working 1:1 with me to transform your life in your rediscovery? Schedule a free Discovery call with me here: https://stan.store/MidlifeConfidenceLab

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🎵 Theme Music: Home by Vlad Gluschenko @vladest_art — Home

License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

Kristin:

Welcome back to Midlife Confidence Lab, where we make boldness feel natural, decisions feel doable, and self-trust and confidence feel like home. I'm your host, Kristin Hamilton, a certified life coach helping midlife women who are in their what's next chapter of life. I am so glad you're here. As this year comes to a close and my mind is alternating somewhat frantically, if I'm being honest, between reflection of the past year and excitement about moving forward into my next year, my next phase, I have a message that I hope hits you wherever you need it. It may initially sound harsh, but stick with me. You know how much I encourage you all, and this is no different. But it might also be a little bit of a kick in the butt. Stop trying to play it safe. Stop playing small. And honestly, stop helicopter parenting yourself. You know, when kids are overprotected and overly managed and cushioned from every possible risk, they grow up afraid of everything. That's what so many of us are doing to ourselves, even still in this midlife era. We are micromanaging our lives in the name of being responsible or being realistic or being careful. But what we're really doing is keeping ourselves caged. And here's the thing: you are working so hard to keep yourself safe. So why not work just as hard at breaking yourself out of the false beliefs that are keeping you small? Why not put that same energy toward living the life you actually want? At some point, you have to make a decision. Not after you lose the weight, not after you fix your hair, not after you make more money or leave that toxic relationship, or not after your kids grow up. You have to decide now that you're worthy. Worthiness isn't something you earn, it's something you claim. It is a decision, not a reward. And once you make that decision, then you build the skills, the evidence, the self-trust to live like it's true. Because it is. You are worthy because you are. There is no other way around it. You are worthy. No one is coming to make that decision for you. This is on you. And I don't mean that in a scary way. I mean it in the most empowering way possible. This is exciting. You are in charge. Why wouldn't you choose the version of your life that feels aligned and expansive and alive? We also need to talk for a little minute about the inner critic, that voice in your head, the one that questions you and shrinks you and tells you it's safer to stay quiet. That voice is not truth. All that inner critic is is a neural pathway that was created in your mind because you used it too much. It is a worn-out path used for decades, maybe even your whole life. There is no truth to it. It is literally a pathway in your brain that you keep falling back on. So stop falling back on it. Challenge it and make a new neural pathway. Become very aware of this voice. If someone outside of you said those same things to you and you were feeling empowered, you would challenge them immediately, wouldn't you? So why wouldn't you do the same when it's your own voice? Start calling it out every single time. Imagine it like a radio playing in the background. You don't need to smash it. You just need to turn the volume down. Just turn the volume right down. Remember, this voice is an illusion. It is not real. There is nothing real about it. The only benefit you get from this voice is that it thinks it's keeping you safe. So thank it for trying to keep you safe and then release it from that job because you don't need it anymore. There's also a truth that we sometimes don't like to hear. At some point, affirmations and mindset work aren't enough. Eventually, you have to get up and do the thing. And I know as a life coach, I am not supposed to say that kind of thing, but it's true. Just get up and do it. You don't become confident by thinking about confidence. You can take all the courses that exist, you can read all the books, you can listen to all the podcasts and do all the things. But nothing will change until you actually start to do the actions. You become confident by acting. Imperfectly, awkwardly, bravely, you become by doing it. So many women are waiting for that perfect moment when everything is lined up and when they feel ready and when life finally calms down. Perfection's never gonna come. And that is okay. That is life. When you act, you show yourself and the world who you are becoming. You start to trust yourself again. And every time you act, your self-worth grows. And when self-worth grows, confidence follows. You take imperfect action and you realize, oh my God, the world didn't stop turning. I didn't fall apart. I am safe. If you've been playing small for most of your life, it's not because something is wrong with you. It's because you are programmed that way by parents, by society, by expectations placed on women. That programming taught you that life was hard or dangerous or off limits. But programming is not fact. It is just conditioning. And this is where the real work begins. Questioning where your beliefs came from and whether they're actually true. Because of these programs that were wired into you, you believe certain things are hard or that you have to live your life this way. And this is where you have built your fears from, from this programming. But now is the time to get honest with yourself and question whether this programming is a reality. Because it's not, I assure you. And the more honest you can get with yourself and question the truth behind these limiting thoughts, the faster you will be able to change them and start stepping into who you are beyond this false programming of fear. You can list these out, write them down, all these limiting beliefs, and then write down what they actually mean, what's actually real, what the truth is. Then find proof for the reality. And this will start to break down this false programming and build a more aligned and honestly realistic thought pattern. This is how you dismantle fear-based identity and rebuild something that is aligned. This is how I see it. You are about three decisions away from changing the direction of your life, from either going toward your dream life or going away from your dream life, from changing your trajectory and getting on the path toward what you want. The first couple decisions will be the toughest. This is because you don't have momentum yet. It hasn't become habit yet, but it will. These first three decisions are going to push you outside of how you've always operated your whole life so far. They will be difficult and scary and uncomfortable and foreign, and you will want to quit. And your mind will tell you to stop. That's normal. So know this, acknowledge it, and still choose to make those decisions to go toward what you want. Make the decisions anyway. Those first decisions push you outside who you've always been and toward who you're becoming. Make these decisions toward your new life that will be bigger and better than anything you have ever experienced before. And when we change, not everyone is going to like the new you. There may be friction with people who have known you forever. That is part of the process. Some people will want you to stay small, not because they're bad people, but because your growth disrupts their comfort. Because it could feel threatening to them to see someone they know so well changing. And while we care about them and care about their feelings and their concerns, it is important to keep in mind that this is their limitation, not yours. And guess what? You don't need their permission. You also don't need to apologize or explain yourself. And you definitely don't need advice from people who aren't living a life that you want. Their beliefs and advice created their life. And that is not where you want to be. You are building yours. So just tune back into yourself every time. Remember that the energy that you are sending out to a person or situation or thought is taking away from the ideal place where you would send that energy. Or keeping the energy within yourself so that you can make your choices and your decisions for your own life. If you're gonna live a big life, you need the energy inside you. You don't need anyone else's approval. Eventually, this version of yourself will become normal for you and for them. And if it doesn't, you get to decide what stays aligned. Protect your energy. I've learned that who we spend our time with quietly shapes our identity. Not because anyone is trying to control us, but because what surrounds us becomes familiar and what feels familiar starts to feel like truth. The people around you shape what feels normal, how you speak to yourself, what you tolerate, what you believe is possible. So it's worth asking: do the people around me help me feel more like myself? Or do they keep me playing small? Who we spend our time with slowly teaches us what to expect from ourselves. Your nervous system takes cues from people closest to you. Over time, their stress, safety, or stagnation can start to feel like your own. We don't just keep company, we absorb it. The question is whether the people around you reflect who you're becoming or who you've already outgrown. And it seems relevant to mention here the quote I'm sure we've all heard. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Now, I've heard this a lot from a lot of different places. And so I wanted to research where it came from because I am me. And so, of course, I wanted to research it. The quote is most commonly attributed to Jim Rohn, who was an American entrepreneur and author and motivational speaker. So there's no verified written source that he actually said this verbatim, but there are audio recordings and transcripts of his talk from his talks from the 1970s and 80s that show him teaching about this idea. So while the wording has been polished over time, the core insight is his. And he is kind of widely credited as the originator of the concept that so many people quote and believe in in modern personal development, that our beliefs, habits, confidence, and standards are shaped relationally. Identity reinforcement occurs partially through relationships. And growth or stagnation is often a social environment issue, not a willpower issue. Our confidence doesn't develop in isolation. It's reinforced or eroded by the relationships we live inside each day. This concept has become foundational in leadership and identity work and has been backed up by modern psychology and neuroscience. So I know this was a bit of a tangent, but it's certainly food for thought. So here is how this becomes real. We practice embodying the version of you that you're becoming before it feels natural. You have to become that person in order to make that life a reality. So a few practical tips to embody who you're becoming. Now I go really deeply into my embodiment exercises, I suppose, in episode five, which is called, sorry, I had to look it up, embodying your highest self, how to live today, which I will link below. So, number one practical tip to embody who you're becoming. Embody this identity as you go into new environments. For example, a coffee shop. Practice embodying her. Or go for a walk in a nice neighborhood and embody her. How does she walk? How does she think? How does she greet people as they cross her path? How does she speak? How does she carry herself? Does she say these limiting things to herself? All it is is practice. And eventually you will feel confident enough as this new identity that this will transition into your normal life. This is rehearsal. This isn't pretending. This isn't trying to be someone who you're not. This is just rehearsal. The more you do this, the more you will show yourself that yes, I can actually do this. The more you do this, the more you're proving to yourself, the more you become this highest version of yourself that you want to be. And the more you do this, you will realize that nothing is off limits for you. And as you do it, you will release the fear and realize how wide open the world is to live a big life. The second practical approach is that there's this concept called the latter approach. That is basically that sometimes you're not ready to go to the highest version of yourself that you picture. If I I think financially is the easiest way to use an example of this. So let's say I want to start a business and I want to make enough money to be able to retire my husband in a couple years. Totally hypothetical, right? If I'm working a nine to five job right now that makes $5,000 a month, well, it's not really realistic to say, oh, well, I'm gonna make a hundred thousand a month. So we need to start with a ladder approach. We need to start with a step. And then as our body gets used to that, we'll go another step. As our body gets used to that, we'll go another step. And so sometimes it's not realistic to be able to envision ourselves as this completely different thing. Sometimes we need to go in steps so you can envision yourself as one step in advance, and then you can envision yourself as another step in advance. Sometimes this is easier for people. Another practical step is to be sure to keep consistent. And this isn't something that you just do sometimes. This needs to eventually become something that you do consistently. The faster you embody this new version of yourself on a consistent basis, the faster you become this identity and this new version. Because remember, shifting your identity, shifting your beliefs about yourself, shifting how you feel about yourself and how you feel internally, this will shift your habits and your behaviors and your actions. So feeling it internally is what leads to your ability to follow through with the actions and the habits and the outward embodiment. And then those actions and habits come back full circle and further solidify your identity that you're embodying. And then you feel it more internally. And so it's circular. The more you feel it internally, the more you act. The more you act on it, the more you feel it internally. And this is how you become this new identity, this new higher version of yourself. This is why you have to feel it and see it and visualize it and envision it within your body, even before you have the proof that this is who you are, even before you have the proof that this is the way you live in the world. You have to feel it internally so that you can then have the habits and the actions. So then those actions and habits can validate how you feel. I want to talk about something else here that might seem like it doesn't really have anything to do with this, but it really does. Chances are you are taking life way too seriously. And believe me, I get it, me too. But the reality is that we only get one of these. No matter what your beliefs are, you, as this version of yourself in this body, you only get one. Chances are you're taking life way too seriously and not having enough fun and that you're just making everything a big deal. I've been there. If you listen to episode number 17 called Life Changing Things I Learned This Year, you will hear me discuss this in detail. I will link this one down below as well. So I know this feeling. Sometimes when we want to level up our life, whether it's physically or emotionally or spiritually or whatever, we get so fixated on trying to make these changes that we forget to play and we forget to have fun with it and to make it an enjoyable experience. Growth doesn't have to feel heavy. Life doesn't have to feel heavy. Yes, discipline matters, but joy matters too. Every experience you have is your life. So if you want a joyful life, joy has to exist in the moments, not just in the destination. You can grow and laugh. You can heal and play. So if we say we want our life to be more joyful, then each experience needs to be more joyful. You need to bring more joy to each experience because each experience is what adds up to what our life is. It's all an accumulation of our experiences. We fall under a trap of doing so many things to try to improve our life that we end up making it heavier. We end up with this to-do list. I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this. And this is heavy. It weighs on us. And yes, we do want to have discipline and do the things that are going to make us have a good life, but we have to remember that we're all just people on some planet floating in space. Having a good life is lived in the moments. You can choose to do things in ways that feel good and joyful to you. Yes, still do the things, but choose to do it in ways that work for your enjoyment of your life as well. I love meditating. It's one of the joyful parts of my day. But I totally get that some people don't like it, and it becomes a part of their to-do list. And if this is you, then find some other way to connect with your quiet self. Go for walks, sit and color in a meditative state. Do yoga or stretch exercises, or maybe it's dancing, or maybe it's sitting outside in the grass with your bare feet staring at the trees or the sky. Just find something else that fills that need that is joyful to you. Never forget that you can bring joy to anything. You can laugh and have fun and find pleasure while still working towards your goals in life. These two things can coexist in life. You can have joy and laugh and have fun while also addressing and working on the more serious things in life. You can perceive life however you choose. You can focus on whatever you choose to focus on. Sometimes when we're so serious about life, we focus on the bad rather than the good. And remember where your attention goes, your energy goes. And where your energy goes is what gets amplified in your life. Always. I think I might have mentioned before that I recently moved. And there are still some things I haven't unpacked or areas of my home that I haven't really set up yet. And it bothers me. It really drives me crazy that I haven't prioritized that organization in my life. So I can either focus on the fact that this really bothers me and I can get frustrated every time I open a certain closet or walk into a certain room. Or I can choose to look at the joy of having this new home that I love and feeling really good about the energy that I'm putting into all the things in my life. And once this becomes a priority for me, that's when I'll address it. I can choose where my energy goes and where my attention goes. I choose to make my life easier by focusing on the good things. I could focus on the bad things and make my life heavier and less joyful, but I choose not to. I choose to put my focus on and my attention on the good things, the joyful things. Whatever you're looking for, you will find. What it comes down to is you get to choose whether life is easy for you or hard for you. Ease can be a choice. You can decide. I choose ease. I get to decide that ease is my natural state. As Henry Ford famously said, whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. You get to decide whether life feels heavy or spacious. So I want to remind you that this isn't pretending. Embodiment isn't pretending. It is repatterning. Your nervous system learns through experience. When you move, choose and act like the woman you're becoming, even briefly, you teach your body that this version of me is safe. This is allowed. Confidence doesn't come from thinking differently. It comes from moving differently, from acting differently. That's how identity shifts. Quietly and consistently and on purpose. You don't need permission to live bigger. You don't need to be ready. You just need to be willing. Start with one decision today that moves you toward the life you want. And remember, walk boldly toward the life that feels like yours. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another woman in your life. Let's always support and help each other. Until next time, stay curious. Keep playing and experimenting in life. And remember, trust the woman you're becoming. She is done playing small. Choose bold. Choose aligned. Choose the life you want to live. Love you. Bye-bye. Real quick before you go, if you know something needs to change, but you're feeling stuck and you don't want to navigate this part alone. I have some upcoming spots open for my five-day challenge. It's not a course, it's not a group, it is simply a short, focused, and personalized conversation a day for five days. We'll talk things through in real time. You'll get support to clarify your next step, to trust yourself, to move forward with confidence. No pressure, no hype, just grounded support for a very real moment in your life. If this feels right for you, we're just gonna keep it simple. You can email me at midlifeconfidence lab at gmail.com or DM me on Instagram at midlife confidence lab. So I'll see you next time. Bye bye.

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Kristin Hamilton

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